Where am I happiest? This is such a confusing question, I think. Being my happiest shouldn't be what I am searching for. Where am I most fulfilled? This should be the thing I ask myself.
The past few years of my life have been filled with young soul searching, I have made so many mistakes. I (fortunately) learned lessons and have grown because of them. I have very few regrets in this life, but as?Maya Angelou said - "Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better." And I did.
Growing up, I always saw myself as a mother and a wife. My heart has always been anxious for the time when I would look over my family at night and sigh happily. Yes, it has been my goal for a long time. Fast forward, 19 years later. The birth of our first daughter, so in love with my husband and new family...and yet...there is a longing, something more, what am I missing? I dealt head on with depression for months. I started questioning then if my worst fears might be true and I wasn't meant to be a mother. At the time, I had no choice with Marc gone in school. Most days were spent alone for extended periods of time. Marc was juggling a ton of commitments and when he got home I pounced on him anxious for someone, anyone to ramble to. I felt very alone and beat down. I felt so disconnected from my peers. I got the eyebrow raises in public, enough to make even the most self-confident person feel self-concious. I dealt with my new body alone. I cried when I realized my stretch-marks were here to stay. Marc did as much as his young self knew to do, I'm sure this wasn't his idea of marital bliss either. His wife moping around while caring for a baby. Not what either of us had prepared for, it certainly took its toll on us. It was hard. These things made me question even more if this was really what I wanted for my life. Were all women this miserable or was it just me. Everything I was reading told me to get a job, get a job! be realistic. your kids will drive you insane. I started wondering if parenting was something we just did. A tradition handed down from parent to child. It was expected.
Worse, I started wondering if thats what I had done. Absent-mindedly accepted this new role of mother.
Summer of 2010, I got my first "real" job. Before then, I had only babysat or helped at my Grandfathers business but never really been out in the "real world". Finally, I was around people my age who could get to know me without first judging me on the basis that I had a child or was married young. I was so happy. Work wasn't work for me, it was an escape. Finally, to be taken seriously! To have friends, to contribute to my home in a tangible way. After awhile, my home life balanced back out and my depression left me. At the time, I didn't see this for what it was. Merely that I finally had a community and that worked wonders for my depression, that it brought balance to my life. Instead, I started thinking that maybe this motherhood thing really wasn't for me, I started thinking that my job was my source of happiness.?I worked long hours that Summer. Poured myself into it. I enjoyed it, I loved how seriously people took me when I told them I wasn't only a mom...I had a job!?I look back now and shake my head. I made some poor choices that Summer. In my mind, happiness was this very attainable thing that I could have permanently if I just figured out the source. The very confused feminist in me thought that perhaps, motherhood wasn't as wonderful as it had been portrayed to me growing up.?One experience that Summer in particular shook me to my core and made me realize how shallow I had been. There was this realization, this knowing.
My family gave me fulfillment and I needed to stop being told otherwise. In my low moments I needed to cling to what I knew.
Up until that realization I had been offered a pay raise and to step up the ladder, so to speak. Afterwards, I not only said no, I switched to a less stressful position and asked for fewer hours. I started clinging to my family. `With balance in my life and lessons learned, perspective came. I stopped waiting for motherhood to make me happy and instead found contentment in the fulfillment it gave me.
Yes, I have days where I want to be away from it all but I am ready for snuggles and screaming after a few hours. It's good to know that, to feel it with all of my being.
I feel empowered in my decisions now, I don't regret marrying young or having my babies young. Ever. I feel proud of all I have done in my 22 years. It might not impress my peers but that no longer phases me. I am proud of me. I'm proud of my body, stretch marked and scarred for life. I remember how empowered I felt giving birth. I am proud of my marriage. Marc and I have been through it all together and it has only strengthened our bond. What more could I want out of life? This is fulfillment. This is happiness. This is what I have always wanted.
Society has it in for us. I feel like one minute the message is?you are nothing if you aren't a wife/mother and the next it's stay at home mom....oh, okay. so you don't do anything else??
I wonder if these ideas, perpetuated by media, are an attempt to get us to start balancing work/home life so that we can get a job and become even more of a consumer.
Something missed in these debates about women and their roles was articulated well in this article by Annie Urban. She says?"Too often the discussion about women?s choices (stay at home, go back to work) ignores the role of fathers. To achieve meaningful equality, we need to push for a society that values fathers who strike a balance between their career and their family life too. Women shouldn?t have to be equally uninvolved parents to reach their goals; they should be able to ask their spouses to step up too."
This, to me, is mind blowing.?What if our society stopped pushing women to be more like men and started pushing men to be more like women. To find fulfillment at home. To work less hours and consume less so that they could be home more with their families. What if men were given the okay to take pride in being a father and that was their badge of honor. Not a marketing or banking career.
I am lucky that Marc had some realizations himself over the last year and we are both on the same page now. Marc too, was struggling with finding fulfillment...or what he thought was happiness. Now, he is reading "Radical Homemaking" and I see him taking more and more pride in his family. I hear him with the same sound of recognition in his voice that I had. This is the good life. Nothing could make me happier.??I can't help but wonder where we might be as a nation if we stopped being so concerned with how others saw us and instead started nurturing those things that brought us peace and joy. For Marc and I, it had nothing to do with gender but what is fulfilling. Relationships, family, time, peace, nature...these things fulfill us like nothing else can.
I look back now and feel relief I made it here. It was a rough road for sure, but I am so glad I went that route. I have a lot to tell other now when they ask about my life choices. I hope to inspire others to examine what is motivating them if/when they question their choices.
I hope that as a group, we women can find fulfillment in our roles. Whether we are working or not. Lets give motherhood the praise it deserves and lets acknowledge that for all its hardships, we gleam a whole lot more.
P. S I started this blog as a way to remember why I wanted this life. It may sound less dramatic than it was, but for me, this blog became my hope. I had to work through a lot to get to wear I am and it has been a place for me to publicly rejoice in my life so that I can hold tightly to this knowledge of what a good life I have.
?You can only become truly accomplished at something you love. Don?t make money your goal. Instead pursue the things you love doing and then do them so well that people can?t take their eyes off of you.? -Maya Angelou
?My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style??
??Maya Angelou
Source: http://freespiritedtmama.blogspot.com/2012/11/on-being-woman-and-mothering.html
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